i'm tellin' you 'coz i can't tell my mom

I had my first boyfriend last year. I was working in a call center in quezon city. He was my wave mate. He was older than me. And he actually presented himself to me as an honest, knowledgable, trustworthy guy. I fell for him. Eventually something happened between us and that first time we did it, i told him i was scared to do it. But i’ll never forget what he told me then, he told me to trust him. That he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I was easily swayed by his words. I gave in. And after a few weeks i realized, i was pregnant.

I took a test with the help of my bestfriend. I didn’t know what to do, i was so scared. I was already delayed. He was my first. Surely it was nothing i thought. Then again, he didn’t use protection..

The test came out +…

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I tried a twice, three times. All of them came out the same.

I told him about it. We went to a clinic to know for sure, but in my heart i knew its true. Then, it was verified. I was 6weeks pregnant. After the exam he asked me, and i was very offended by this but i shrugged it off. He asked if he was REALLY my first. Definitely. Next thing he asked if i wanted to keep our baby. Me being 21 years old at the time, Who has not achieved anything in life, who’s family is like a warzone, who is not financially stable am sure that i cannot raise a baby. He/she would only suffer because of me.. Because of tue life that i can provide to him/her.. I was so scared.

I told him exactly what i was thinking and that i’m not ready to raise a baby. He told me that we can raise the baby together, he’ll marry me and stuff. But definitely in that state i’m still shocked and confused. I still told him that i wasn’t ready.

He agreed with me and said that we have a way to stop the pregnancy. I went with him, i didn’t know what to do but to trust him.

A few weeks after.. He bought meds, to abort the baby. Without hesitation. While i was unsure wether we should go through with it or just keep the baby, but we were already there.

It was finished. My baby is gone. I didn’t tell anyone about it. It was only the two of us. I was scared. But in my head i thought at least i still have him.

He didn’t leave me. We still went on, together.

In the end my ex’s brother told me that he was a liar and that he already has two kids and that he no longer supports these kids. They were left with the mother. I accepted him even after knowing all that and waited for him to come clean, but he never admitted it to me not until the time we broke up. I forced him to answer.

I deeply regret what i’ve done. My baby, should’ve been born on feb. 16, 2012. He/She should’ve been 3mos. Old by now.

Falling in love and completely entrusting yourself to someone is not smart. I’ve learned my lesson. I will always remember my baby, i will never forgive myself to what i did. And if i was given a chance to go back in time. I’ll save my baby.

I’m really sorry my baby, and i hope you are in good hands in heaven. I’m sure i will not be able to come up there but i hope you can forgive me… My baby.

My sister told me that our mom has ordered us to come to our aunt’s funeral in the province, not accepting no for an answer. leaving us no other choice, we went.

although it was a funeral, it served like a reunion for the family as well. we went to our aunt’s and i was able to see my cousins. Its a tradition in the province to sing, drink and gamble while in a funeral to celebrate the life of our loved one instead of mourning for the loss.

i drank with my cousins and sang a few, my sister and mom was already urging me to go home, but i’m  having so much fun and didn’t want to end it yet, so i stayed the night with my cousins. 

i was so wasted that my girl cousin lay me on the bed upstairs and turned the lights off, after a while she came back with another wasted cousin and lay him beside me. i didn’t think anything would be wrong about it ‘coz we’re cousins. so i just went and continued my sleep. 

after a while i was having a dream about my boyfriend touching me, and then trying to take off my jeans. thinking it was an inappropriate dream i tried to shrug it off, but it didn’t go away.. and then i realized, it was for real. and my cousin was doing it.. to me.

realizing what the hell was happening i tried to move but i was frozen there by being so wasted, so shocked, so terrified. i tried to scream but he covered my mouth… i couldn’t do anything.

after he was done with me, he used something to wipe me and went back to sleep as if nothing happened. i just wept beside him ‘till i fell asleep. i couldn’t do anything, i couldn’t tell anyone because my aunt died and i’m sure no one would believe. so i kept this secret up until now. i only told one friend of mine and i’m sure she wouldn’t tell anyone.